Q&A: How to Manage Toxic Family… & what they don’t know. HELP!?

Question by Joie: How to Manage Toxic Family… & what they don’t know. HELP!?
Sorry in advance that this is long. But it’s a very dramatic situation. My husbands family is very toxic as well as my family. Thankfully my family is estranged now. My hubby met in high school and bonded over sharing this issue of toxic home. We were the ‘good kids’ in school because our family was so toxic and we wanted to be nothing like them. Now were 10+ years into our marriage and still dislike our family. We take every opportunity to NOT be around them. Our issue is they have no clue we feel this way. We don’t want to mend things with them… they are just low class acts that are superficial, uncaring and eccentric and majority have drug and alcohol AND mental and emotional problems. In addition to this… here’s the issue… My hubby is infertile, we tried many years and little by little put our entire savings into treatments. The DR finally told me to give up and use a sperm donor. We had considered adoption until we saw how hard and complicated it is. Our relationship is rock solid and we went ahead with donor. We had a beautiful prefect little one but his family has no idea the baby is donor. They are judgmental, mean, superficial losers who would treat this baby like they are less because of blood lines. These people are selfish, demanding and such a horrible influences. Their behavior makes me want to shout that they are not related to this sweet and innocent child. We plan to tell our child at the earliest age that their life was helped by donor and do so in such a way that the idea of donor was always known. We hope our little one grows a mind for openness but realizes sometimes not all things have to be shared and to pick and choose who knows about donor. Aside from this… what do we do when my hubby’s family comes around. We just don’t want them in our child’s life. We’ve carried on a ‘play nice’ attitude toward these people and are kind to them. But every interaction with them is an obligated we “have to” not a “want to”. This is my hubby’s mom, dad, sister and we don’t know them at all really. We married at 19 and have hardly seen them in 10 years. Maybe 4 times per year. But not that they think they are related to baby they are constantly in contact. My hubby and I feel our child is above them and we don’t want these types of people in our home or life (even a stranger) around who has their morals and values and influencing our children. My hubby won’t tell his family we used a donor and I want to respect this but my hubby also won’t buck up and get these toxic losers away from us. He’s my best friend but he’s teaching our children to accept negative people and not set boundaries. Even one visit from these people includes someone showing up high and drunk, bad language and different boyfriends and raw jokes. Worst of all is the fake drama I love you’s they say and then they don’t call for 6 mod or a year and don’t even know what we do for a living. Oh, I could go on forever about how raciest, low class and self centered they are. We still plan to adopt and we know when we do that they will oust that child because he or she won’t be “related”. I secretly wished we told them about donor so they would have “ousted” our children just to keep these people away. Anyhow, they want to show up for things like birthdays. My child doesn’t know them and they show affections and act intimately with my child and it’s overwhelming to my kid when they are strangers saying I love you and being dramatic. What do I do? We’re looking into moving out of state and changing jobs just to get away from them. We plan to do so in a year but what do I do meanwhile? Even moving won’t keep them completely away but will help. Any advice is appreciated!!

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Answer by Torayuri

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4 thoughts on “Q&A: How to Manage Toxic Family… & what they don’t know. HELP!?”

  1. You have to tell them that you can’t allow anyone under the influence of drugs to be around your child. You don’t have to say it’s also because you just generally think they are negatively affecting your lives because that might cause even more problems. Just don’t answers their calls or let them in your house, and tell them that they are acting immature and not appropriate to be around your baby. Don’t do this in a rude way! Try and be as respectful as possible, but get the point across.

    You need to communicate with your husband about this FIRST, you two should decide together what you’re going to say, because it sounds like he may be avoiding telling them to back off because it’s his family and he doesn’t want to upset them. If they really are how you are describing them to be, just remember you guys aren’t the bad guys for asking them to back off.

    Also, talk to your husband about telling them about the donor thing. I don’t see how it could be that bad, if they don’t mind then it doesn’t change anything, if they are ignorant enough to not see your child as family anymore then, good riddance to them.

    Hope all goes well…!

  2. You painted a perfect image of what his toxic family is all about. A very common situation, just watch an episode of Jerry Springer, lol, I can’t even sit through 5 minutes of that show so I can imagine how you feel.

    Hopefully your husband will come around to your side of the fence sometime soon, but it may take a major melt down or feud with his people. How does he feel about having his family believe that you both have become “born again” Christians, lol, but seriously start a Bible study when they come around…It may be like Holy water to a vampire, lol….or tell them that the your friend that works for the DEA, PD or the FBI is on his way over, lol that should make them scatter like roaches, lol.

    I am curious as to why your husband is so reluctant to admit his infertility…telling them that your child is no blood relation to them might solve the problem of all the “love” they feel. It would have better if he would have mentioned it to them during the time of trying to conceive. It’s too late for that, but you and your husband need to take a stand when it comes to the disorderly visitors in your home!

    It seems to me that moving away may be the best solution, I hope it is feasible for the two of you. In the meantime find something do when they are around that makes them uncomfortable….do you have a friend or neighbor that can baby-sit when the family shows up? maybe you should take the baby “shopping” or something just to get her out of the house.

    Anyway, Good luck, I feel for ya’ 🙂

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