Q&A: Ending a Friendship…Is this the “Christian” way?

Question by Anonymousse_Q: Ending a Friendship…Is this the “Christian” way?
Hello,

When I was in the 9th grade, my birth father, who I had seen only a handful of times throughout the years, out of fear, crossed over to the passenger side of the car were I was sitting, and pushed me out of the car and punched me in the face after pushing me around quite a bit.

1. I got a restraining order. There was not a real relationship to begin with and at this point I was too scared of him to make an attempt for one.

2. I met this “Friend” in the 9th grade at a new school in a very rough city were we never hung out. I spent lunch time in the bathroom sometimes. It wasn’t a good year and according to her, she befriended me because she “felt sorry” for me. (There really was no reason to, even she could admit that I always stood up for myself) She joked later about thinking I was “Slow”. This never made me laugh as I do have a disability.

2. We hung out maybe twice since 9th grade year, and did not hang out in the 9th grade either. (I am 20 years old now, and she is 21)

3. There was a traumatic even in my family 12th grade year. A mentally ill family member shot and killed two other family members whom I was very close to. This “Friend” did not make it to the funeral because she did not have the address.

4. My friend has a general outline of the kinds of things that have happened in my life. I feel no need to discuss these things all the time. It doesn’t help me. I was told by my Mom that if I wanted a friend, I would have to be one.

5. So during the course of this friendship. We would spend a lot, a lot of time on the phone. I was her sounding board. I didn’t mind. I was “being a friend”. Recently after seeking counseling, it occurred to me that perhaps I could start to tell her about things occurring in my life, not sad things, but just things going on.

6. She truly had no interest. When I brought this point up to her, I could tell she didn’t “get it”…So then, the next day…I told her something else and I could tell she wanted to listen but felt what she had to say was more important/exciting. It was like she was waiting for me to stop talking so she could start.

7. Since starting counseling, I have encouraged her to go to deal with her unchecked anxiety and other life issues etc. I was not happy being in a position were it wasn’t a mutual relationship.

8. Her cell phone wasn’t working for a week.

9. My life changed dramatically and I realized how good it felt not having such a negative weight. What little I told her of my life throughout the years was brought up and compared to what was going on in her life. I was judged, and very harshly.

10. Here is an example (this is actually when I decided to end the entire “friendship” all together.

A. “Friend” tells me her children “will never” have HER father’s last name, they will take their father’s name “whether he was there or not”.

B. I say “Oh okay”. She continues. Finally, I tell her what she is dying to hear, “I don’t have my father’s last name.” There is a history: She has told me repeatedly in the past that my TRUE last name is my father’s last name and then said my name with his last name tauntingly. I have let her know that my father is not an issue I wish to discuss with her.

C. She continues to talk about this.

D. I inform her that my father did not want me to have his last name. (He disowned me, saying, I “was not his daughter”) I have reached out to him once since the 9th grade: The night of the tragedy. He got on the phone and cursed my Mother out. Obviously we never spoke again.

E. She retorts, “It doesn’t matter. It is still your last name”

I just do not understand what she has to gain from speaking to me this way.

A few minutes later, a new topic. She says, “I pray that you and your father have a positive relationship one day because you need him. Women need their father’s in their lives”.

I agree, they DO need their fathers. But what I don’t need is his problems and how he abused me.

She goes on, her voice rising with every word, “HOW COULD YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN, WHEN YOU WON’T FORGIVE?! I have been through more than you have ever been through!” (She feels that her father battering her Mother for years before her Mother left him puts her in a position to judge.) And then yells that I “Don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow” saying that her dad “Called” her Mom “And apologized for all of the abuse” and that this could happen with my parent….

I am done, other things were said that I could not remember. It wasn’t just what she said: It was the fact that when I told her I was uncomfortable with the subject matter, she yelled over me!

Then SHE hung-up the phone.

This marks the end of the
Thank you RanchMom one for your story.

My father is currently dragging my younger Sister (Different Mother) through the court system. He set a court date for her birthday saying he could not make it any other time, then did not show up. She said she never wants to to see him again after his abuse.

Best answer:

Answer by The Silicon Lemming
People who use their faith to judge and condescend to their own friends are trash.

Ignore her and you’ll be better for it.

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One thought on “Q&A: Ending a Friendship…Is this the “Christian” way?”

  1. She sounds disturbed. I feel sorry for her.

    I think I understand your situation – your father is an abusive and, at times, life-threatening person. You have chosen to not have a relationship with him and he with you – is that correct?

    That is perfectly fine and entirely acceptable for a Christian under these circumstances. The question of forgiveness is a big one. In forgiving your father, you let go of anger and hurt and bitterness towards him and you say, “God, I give you my anger, my hurt and my bitterness towards my father. Give me your eyes to see him and give me your compassion for him – he is lost and hurting and far from you. I forgive him for what he did to me.”

    Weight will fall off your shoulders. Then, from that point on, pray for your father. It is not, right now, safe to see him or talk to him it sounds like, so do what you can by praying for him.

    Maybe, just maybe, someday you will be able to have a relationship with him. Our daughter whom we adopted after a *nightmare* of a childhood has, as an adult, received heartfelt appologies from *both* her parents and a lot has been done to heal their relationship. Amazing what God can do. : )

    Wishing you well.

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