Long question and i need some honest answers?
Question by Mari: Long question and i need some honest answers?
Background: I got this letter from a birthfather today. We aren’t really on speaking terms and he is 300 miles away. I’m post college and have a supportive family. He uses some examples of friends but i’m sure you can still follow. I have looked deep into adoption from the agencies to non profits to anti adoption to the primal wound. I know for a FACT he has only looked at agencies and Christian groups.
Please read this without predisposition, prejudice, and confidence in my good intentions. If I was looking to get out of this just for myself, you’ve shown me that door, and I’m not going to take it. I refuse to let this situation end poorly because of a lack of foresight. And I will not make any decision unless I know it’s best.
1. It is unhealthy for a child to be raised in an unstable, volatile environment.
Our relationship is both unstable and highly volatile. Her views on men, relationships, and marriage will most likely be highly distorted later in life as a result. If we cannot sort out our issues with each other, I don’t know how we could raise a child together, and I don’t want you to have to explain to her that you didn’t want me to be around.
2. A child needs more than a loving mother and financial stability.
I know you could be an excellent mother, but no one should have to do it alone. I don’t think you are qualified to be a father, and you shouldn’t have to be. And your father is hardly a shining example of a man.
3. You are very intelligent and a good writer, but you will undoubtedly have to sacrifice some of your dreams if you keep the child. I am afraid you are making these sacrifices not for the best interests of the child, but because your parents are pressuring you.
Your parents want you to have this kid right now because they want a grandchild. You want to have a kid, but not now. You know that having this child means you will almost certainly be able to have another.
4. Being a single mom is lonely.
I’m not going to force myself into this family if I’m getting resistance from all sides. You won’t have anyone to give you support or comfort in the way a mother needs it. Your parents can’t provide what you need, and you know this. Look at how hard this all is for you now. It’s not going to get any easier. And on top of it, it’s hard enough to find a good man. Let alone one who wants a pre-made family. And you have already told me you hate men, so the odds of you finding someone willing to change your mind and raise your child are damn near impossible. The overwhelming number of single parents who sacrifice social life for their children for an average of 18 years is more than intimidating to me. I don’t want that for either of us.
5. Unplanned pregnancies have a resounding failure rate.
Jessie is probably getting divorced. Alex already has been divorced and could lose custody of her child. My friend Abby’s mother gave up her career as a violinist to raise her daughter with Abby’s grandparents and has always resented her daughter for it. On top of that, Abby has never received any information about her father from anyone. Levi Bean’s mother stayed in a psychologically abusive relationship for 18 years until he was out of the house before leaving her husband.
6. This child deserves the best.
There is no way of knowing whether any family can provide all of this, but there is a way of knowing that you and I cannot provide the stable structure this baby deserves right off the bat. She cannot make this choice for herself, so you need to make it for her. What do you think a child would prefer: a happily married couple with fully developed careers, a strong desire to have a child and the means to provide for coloring books, braces, summer camp, and college funds; or an unhappily seperated set of parents who still love her very much but do not have established careers and did not plan to have a child at this time.
How do i respond to this. Im keeping my child. And eventhough this letter makes me feel like a terrible person for keeping her, cause he makes me feel like im ruining her life, should i give him material on the cons of adoption. I just feel like he’ll never get it cause he isnt carrying her and he isnt here. I would like opinions from people who have been affected by adoption or are experts in adoption
To the woman who thinks im pushing him away im not. He DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED or even be in any kind of romantic relationship with me! He just will come visit once a month. And my parents dont care for him because they know he forces his opinions on me, doesn’t want to marry me, and he is in college and has awhile to go plus student loans (My dad doesnt see him as a ‘man’ my dads very old school) and im not saying my parents are right but they do have reasons
Answer by Meems
You’ve finished college, have a supportive family, and from the sounds of it you are financially stable- I think you sound more than qualified to raise the child on your own. Being raised by a single parent is not the end of the world, much worse to surrender the child to adoption and risk the adoptive couple being completely dysfunctional. There are no guaranties in adoption, many adoptive families are wonderful and truly are the best option for the child but there is always the chance of opposite. If you are willing and able to raise her then I honestly think that is the best possible situation. Go with your gut on this, you are the mother and will have to live with this situation the rest of your life.
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adoption ceremony at the hospital for our families performed by Amy’s dad…
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