Long question and i need some honest answers?

Question by Mari: Long question and i need some honest answers?
Background: I got this letter from a birthfather today. We aren’t really on speaking terms and he is 300 miles away. I’m post college and have a supportive family. He uses some examples of friends but i’m sure you can still follow. I have looked deep into adoption from the agencies to non profits to anti adoption to the primal wound. I know for a FACT he has only looked at agencies and Christian groups.

Please read this without predisposition, prejudice, and confidence in my good intentions. If I was looking to get out of this just for myself, you’ve shown me that door, and I’m not going to take it. I refuse to let this situation end poorly because of a lack of foresight. And I will not make any decision unless I know it’s best.

1. It is unhealthy for a child to be raised in an unstable, volatile environment.
Our relationship is both unstable and highly volatile. Her views on men, relationships, and marriage will most likely be highly distorted later in life as a result. If we cannot sort out our issues with each other, I don’t know how we could raise a child together, and I don’t want you to have to explain to her that you didn’t want me to be around.

2. A child needs more than a loving mother and financial stability.
I know you could be an excellent mother, but no one should have to do it alone. I don’t think you are qualified to be a father, and you shouldn’t have to be. And your father is hardly a shining example of a man.

3. You are very intelligent and a good writer, but you will undoubtedly have to sacrifice some of your dreams if you keep the child. I am afraid you are making these sacrifices not for the best interests of the child, but because your parents are pressuring you.
Your parents want you to have this kid right now because they want a grandchild. You want to have a kid, but not now. You know that having this child means you will almost certainly be able to have another.

4. Being a single mom is lonely.
I’m not going to force myself into this family if I’m getting resistance from all sides. You won’t have anyone to give you support or comfort in the way a mother needs it. Your parents can’t provide what you need, and you know this. Look at how hard this all is for you now. It’s not going to get any easier. And on top of it, it’s hard enough to find a good man. Let alone one who wants a pre-made family. And you have already told me you hate men, so the odds of you finding someone willing to change your mind and raise your child are damn near impossible. The overwhelming number of single parents who sacrifice social life for their children for an average of 18 years is more than intimidating to me. I don’t want that for either of us.

5. Unplanned pregnancies have a resounding failure rate.
Jessie is probably getting divorced. Alex already has been divorced and could lose custody of her child. My friend Abby’s mother gave up her career as a violinist to raise her daughter with Abby’s grandparents and has always resented her daughter for it. On top of that, Abby has never received any information about her father from anyone. Levi Bean’s mother stayed in a psychologically abusive relationship for 18 years until he was out of the house before leaving her husband.

6. This child deserves the best.
There is no way of knowing whether any family can provide all of this, but there is a way of knowing that you and I cannot provide the stable structure this baby deserves right off the bat. She cannot make this choice for herself, so you need to make it for her. What do you think a child would prefer: a happily married couple with fully developed careers, a strong desire to have a child and the means to provide for coloring books, braces, summer camp, and college funds; or an unhappily seperated set of parents who still love her very much but do not have established careers and did not plan to have a child at this time.

How do i respond to this. Im keeping my child. And eventhough this letter makes me feel like a terrible person for keeping her, cause he makes me feel like im ruining her life, should i give him material on the cons of adoption. I just feel like he’ll never get it cause he isnt carrying her and he isnt here. I would like opinions from people who have been affected by adoption or are experts in adoption
Thanks guys

To the woman who thinks im pushing him away im not. He DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED or even be in any kind of romantic relationship with me! He just will come visit once a month. And my parents dont care for him because they know he forces his opinions on me, doesn’t want to marry me, and he is in college and has awhile to go plus student loans (My dad doesnt see him as a ‘man’ my dads very old school) and im not saying my parents are right but they do have reasons

Best answer:

Answer by Meems
You’ve finished college, have a supportive family, and from the sounds of it you are financially stable- I think you sound more than qualified to raise the child on your own. Being raised by a single parent is not the end of the world, much worse to surrender the child to adoption and risk the adoptive couple being completely dysfunctional. There are no guaranties in adoption, many adoptive families are wonderful and truly are the best option for the child but there is always the chance of opposite. If you are willing and able to raise her then I honestly think that is the best possible situation. Go with your gut on this, you are the mother and will have to live with this situation the rest of your life.

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adoption ceremony at the hospital for our families performed by Amy’s dad…
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13 thoughts on “Long question and i need some honest answers?”

  1. I wouldn’t respond at all. This entire letter sounds like it was written by an adoption agency! If he really did write it he certainly did some stellar research about how to ‘convince’ women to ‘choose’ adoption.

  2. What can I say? I am hoping to be an adoptive parent myself, but this is a decision that really as to feel right to you, not just him.

    It sounds like he is a good man who is trying to be a part of your life. Why are you pushing him away? At some point you need to separate from your family and form a bond with a man. This man is willing to be your husband and the father of your child, isn’t he?

    I can tell from this line:
    “I’m not going to force myself into this family if I’m getting resistance from all sides. You won’t have anyone to give you support or comfort in the way a mother needs it.”

    What’s so terrible about this guy that your whole family is pushing him away and you won’t let your daughter know her father over it? Forgive him and start a family with him. Why the hate?

  3. so this is the babies father? keep your child! and if u really want to put him straight, make him research the over representation of adoptees in psychological and psychiatric practices, and much more besides. he can not force you to put ur baby up for adoption! i am adopted. i luv my adoptive parents, but i always wonder why my natural mother didnt want to keep me. single parent families, if the parents loves the child to bit, are fine. there are so many issues involved in adoption, this man is ignorant and blindsighted when it comes to it. put him straight – u are keeping your child and no more letters such as this are welcome.

  4. Use your own instincts on this. Yes raising kids can be difficult but it’s also a part of life and you’ve already made your choice to raise yours.

    You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone when it comes to being a parent. Even a single mother can raise a baby, I think when it comes to adoption a lot can be avoided. (I know sounds weird coming from an adoptive mother, but all is tried to keep the baby with the mother after birth here. They go through all her options before she’s allowed to sign anything. and counselling. )

    I know of single mothers who end up married! Happily with a man who accepts and loves their child. Who wants a guy who won’t accept your child anyway when dating.

    Divorces can happen in any family. What is he on about…

    Send it back to him, side note…Its 2009 not 1809.or 1960!

    (If you’re a talented writer, than you’ll find a way to do that no matter the circumstances. Being a parent doesn’t take that away at all. If you’re determined than you’ll do it. J.K Rowling’s was a single mother when she wrote the first Harry Potter books!) Look at her now!

    “What do you think a child would prefer: a happily married couple with fully developed careers, a strong desire to have a child and the means to provide for colouring books, braces, summer camp, and college funds; or an unhappily separated set of parents who still love her very much but do not have established careers and did not plan to have a child at this time.”

    This bit got to me, a child wants to be loved mainly, they don’t care if it’s a small house or a big house, and it’s the atmosphere that matters most. Second hand clothes or toys as toddlers, the kids don’t care, they just want to play…know they’re loved and you’ll work out the rest.

    So what a load of crap! My parents had no money when my eldest sister was born. They built their wealth with a family. You know I’ve never been to a ‘summer camp’ was I underprivileged as a child?

    Don’t cave into guilt tactics like this there’s another name for it…Bullying…

  5. Am I getting this right? He wants to continue with you IF you give up the baby? So, he is sitting on the fence until you “come to your senses”. This fellow seems to think you can rationalise everything.
    Follow your heart. I was a single mom, and, with support and planning, life isn’t as lonely, dreamless and unfulfilling as he claims. What does he know? Good luck to you.

  6. I think this guy wrote a really lengthy, wordsy letter…that in just a few words he simply could have said…”I don’t want to pay child support”.

    Keep your baby…you will be a good mother. The baby’s father just wants an easy way out from not paying child support for the next 18 years. He wrote really well…but the message is still the same..”I don’t want to pay”. What a jerk he is!!

    Or as someone else said…does sound like something coming from the mouth of an adoption worker. Maybe he has visited an adoption agency already…and they wrote this up for him. Does this sound like something he would write, right off the top of his jerky head??

  7. I agree with the poster who says this all seems to boil down to him not wanting to pay child support.

    Don’t even pay attention to the letter. You want to keep your baby. You have a supportive family, and you even have your education already, so you’re actually way ahead of where most people in your situation are. And yeah, single motherhood is difficult (parenthood at all is difficult,) but it’s rewarding. Placing your child for adoption would be a whole other level of difficult that has no rewards at all, just pain.

    You know you can be a good mom. You know it in your heart. Don’t let this letter get you down, and don’t let this guy off the hook for child support. It takes two to make a baby. You’re stepping up, so make sure he does too.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy. 🙂

  8. As an adoptee, I say that this letter sounds coercive. As a woman and mother, this letter infuriates me. It’s clear that his only reasoning is he doesn’t want to be a parent.

    1) no child deserves to grow up thinking they were not wanted. With my financial stability and maternal instincts, I can do it alone.

    2) it is not your place to belittle my father when you are clearly not a man yourself.

    3) every baby wants the love of their parents, you can buy a million mansions but she would still prefer her mother’s arms to that of a stranger.

    4) with a 50% divorce rate, it is likely that even if she went to a stable couple, she would end up in a broken home anyway. With that statistic, it is fair to say that there are plenty of single fathers out there who would treasure a marriage with a woman like myself.

  9. I think adoption is really a decision from the heart. you can’t argue it with facts – either his or those you’ve read. I think you should just tell him your heart is telling you to keep the baby, and you are prepared for the effects that will have on your life – both good and bad. You don’t need to address his concerns point by point.

    However I don’t think adoption is wrong in general even if it is not the right decision for you. We all have things in our life that aren’t positive that we have to deal with – death of a parent, alcoholism, mental illness, divorce…. these things happen (hopefully not all of them). Children adjust, and do well if they are loved and treated well. Even with adoption most children will do well. Of course the best situation is for two happily married people to raise their child in a loving and economically stable environment with lots of friends and family – but this isn’t always possible. I’m not saying this to change your mind, only to state my opinion (I’m an adoptive mom).

    If you feel being a single mother is the right decision, then it is really the only decision you can make.

  10. Don’t lets his little guilt trip work. His use of ‘I’ attempt to paint him as the good guy and the ‘you’ the mother as the evil wicked person. Sounds like a little boy who is chicken shit of responsibility.

    Take a look at “I refuse to let this situation end poorly because of a lack of foresight. And I will not make any decision unless I know it’s best.”. He lacked the foresight in enabling you to get pregnant so why should anyone take his word for it now.

    He seems he is more concerned with his own interests then the best interests of the child.

    “If we cannot sort out our issues with each other, I don’t know how we could raise a child together, and I don’t want you to have to explain to her that you didn’t want me to be around.”

    So lets put the child up for adoption instead, Wow! The boy has no foresight at all.

    “A child needs more than a loving mother and financial stability.
    I know you could be an excellent mother, but no one should have to do it alone. I don’t think you are qualified to be a father, and you shouldn’t have to be. And your father is hardly a shining example of a man.”

    F*ck the shoulds. He wants you to live by his rules. Don’t let someone elses shoulds dictate how you live your life. By the letter alone I’ll say he not qualified to be a man let alone a father.

    “You are very intelligent and a good writer, but you will undoubtedly have to sacrifice some of your dreams if you keep the child. I am afraid you are making these sacrifices not for the best interests of the child, but because your parents are pressuring you.”

    Aren’t we the sweet talker. Lets butter you up then knock you down.

    “Your parents want you to have this kid right now because they want a grandchild. You want to have a kid, but not now. You know that having this child means you will almost certainly be able to have another.””

    In reality he doesn’t want the child right now. So he’s trying his best to get out of being a father.

    “And you have already told me you hate men, so the odds of you finding someone willing to change your mind and raise your child are damn near impossible.”

    Triple Wow. So he takes you literally when you say you hate men, but cant fathom how much you want this child. Seriously this guy cant get any dumber. This guy needs to stop and think before he puts pen to paper in the future. Here he is trying his best to get you to CHANGE your mind and yet in the same breath he saids its damn near impossible. Hey genius, why are you trying to change her mind then?

    “The overwhelming number of single parents who sacrifice social life for their children for an average of 18 years is more than intimidating to me.”

    Here’s some advice for the boy: “Don’t have kids ever! If you’re not willing to make sacrifices for a child your not fit to be a parent”

    “I don’t want that for either of us.”

    Gotten like the boy, he’s attempting to speak for the both of you, but in reality its still all about him.

    “Unplanned pregnancies have a resounding failure rate.”

    Since when?

    Without looking at any research I can say a resounding number of pregnancies are unplanned.

    “There is no way of knowing whether any family can provide all of this, but there is a way of knowing that you and I cannot provide the stable structure this baby deserves right off the bat.”

    All true. With him in the picture your child won’t have a stability. You can provide a stable environment without him.

    “She cannot make this choice for herself, so you need to make it for her.”

    Man ooh man. This boy is really slow. Then why is he trying so hard to coerce you into adoption!

    “What do you think a child would prefer: a happily married couple with fully developed careers, a strong desire to have a child and the means to provide for coloring books, braces, summer camp, and college funds; or an unhappily seperated set of parents who still love her very much but do not have established careers and did not plan to have a child at this time.”

    As I male I find this “male” thinking insulting. Material things mean f’all. You can’t buy love or happiness. This guy needs to do the world a favour and get neutered.

    //////

    I thought it was 2009. Its no longer the 1700’s, 1800’s or 1900’s to late 1980’s. He isn’t your boss or decision maker.

    He has taken the limp dick approach. He can’t tell you or force you to do anything. If he wasn’t ready to be a father a simple I’m not ready would have sufficed. It appears he has made up his mind and he is convinced that adoption is the answer to his dilemma. You could send him all the material in the world, but I don’t think he’d change his mind.

    I believe you said it best yourself – “I just feel like he’ll never get it cause he isnt carrying her and he isnt here”.

  11. It sounds to me like he just wants out. He knows you can go after him for child support. Tell him you are keeping the baby and that’s final. If he dosen’t like it, then he can hit the road and send a support check.

    Yes it is hard being a single mom, but I can’t imagine h ow much harder it would be to be without your child. If you gave her up, you would still be her mother, but you’d be a mother w/o her child.

    This guy is an @$ $ , kick him to the curb. You and baby are better off w/o him. (even he admits the relationship is “both unstable and highly volatile”…That does not sound like a healthy enviroment for YOU

  12. If you know you want to keep your child, do what you know is correct. The child needs/wants their biological mother. If you can support the child and want to support the child, he can’t tell you otherwise. Here’s what my opinion is on each of his points:
    1.) That’s his opinion of your opinion of men coming through. He’s bitter and assumes you’ll raise your daughter to be a man hater. Your problem, if I had to take a guess, is with him, not with men in general.
    2.) Ideally children will be raised with both parents present. I would tell him that he himself can solve this problem by taking an active role in her life.
    3.) He’s trying to come off like he cares about your future here, i.e. playing on your fears/worries about your own life path. You don’t stop living just because you have a child. You don’t have to stop writing either. He just wants to scare you.
    4.) I won’t lie here. Many men don’t take single mothers seriously as potential wives/long-term girlfriends. Those are the ones who would be cheating on you 10 years after you marry them anyway, so it’s not such a loss. There are guys out there who are worth being around. You won’t hate men forever.
    5.) Those are other people, not you. Good, solid marriages can end in divorce too. Sometimes crap just happens. In today’s society it’s hard to make a solid relationship with anyone. He’s just saying this so that he can justify why he’s not even trying to make it work with you.
    6.) I’m adopted and I had the best. I owned two horses. My parents paid for my college education and bought me two cars over the course of my teens. I wore the best clothes and had real diamond jewelry. It was a charmed life. I also had severe emotional problems that my parents didn’t understand. I had annorexia. I hated myself for not being good enough for my birth mother to keep. You’re the only mother she has and you’re worth more than all the money in the world to her future.

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