How can i get my wife to understand this is wrong?

Question by Needhelp: How can i get my wife to understand this is wrong?
Ok let me start this is a new account i am on here under another name usually. However i have raved about Y/A so much and i know one of her friends has linked to my account i am afraid to put this under my other account
We have a foster son he is three months we got him at 2 days old. Well my wife (only at church so far) is acting like she gave birth to him. We are planning on adopting him and are going through the process. Everyone else in our life knows he is in foster care and what we are going through except for the people at church. We stopped going to this church for a few months because of gas prices and we were going to a church closer to home. Now we show up with him and they think she gave birth to him and she is not correcting them. Her argument is that there is another member who adopted from foster care and anything he did people attributed to him being in foster care. This is her childhood church so i guess she knows them better than I. I still see this as so wrong. We weren’t planing an infant we were looking for a toddler or school age child. We just happened to get a baby so what would she of done if a 5 year old just showed up at church.
She thinks she is protecting him but I think it is detrimental. What can i say to her to get her to see the light and how can we get out from under that lie
for the record we can conceive and have a bio child. We have talked about adoption since we were dating. Everyone else in our lives knew we started the adoption process and knows about him.. We are going to tell him he is adopted. It just with people in church

Best answer:

Answer by Independ”ant”
Therapy.

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24 thoughts on “How can i get my wife to understand this is wrong?”

  1. You are SO right she needs to be honest !!! Maybe she needs someone to talk to on her own … not having her own Baby may be weighing heavy on her…. woman can do this … You are Beautiful people for helping this Baby … Life is so Sad for so Many … No Homes .. No Families… You are angels for opening yours… I Hope things work out for you both … talk with her… support her… maybe talk to the minister yourself ??? a close friend… family member??? Good Luck

  2. First, make sure she knows that he is not her biological son. Then tell her that if she leads people to believe that he isn’t adopted, then she will start believing it and she will forget about adopting him and all that stuff you are going through right now. Also your “son” will believe that he is actually your flesh and blood. That can be good and bad. Good: He has a family that is complete and loves him SO much. Bad: Thinking she was telling him the truth the whole time. You also don’t want him to find out on his own. He will know sooner or later that he doesn’t look like you. All he has to do is put two and two together then he knows he was adopted. I hope that wasn’t too harsh but I have made this mistake with my own son, so this is from someone who knows what she is talking about.

  3. As a Christian myself, she’s telling a flat out lie in God’s House, and she needs to be told how wrong that is. If you can’t implore her Christian teachings (if in fact you are Christian, I’m making a huge assumption here, sorry), then you need to tell her that what you are doing is a beautiful thing and that it should be honored. Her doing what she’s doing is not honoring the noble thing you are trying to do, its casting a dark light on it. If in the end you feel that strongly about it and she won’t tell the truth, you should.

  4. Let her know how you feel about this. Also, by not correcting them she is basically lying. Does she really feel that is the best way to teach a child to protect himself? My parents taught us that it is not appropriate to lie in any situation, let alone something as important as this. Let your wife know that you are not comfortable with this lie and you will have to tell the truth.

  5. You are right… its wrong… but to be honest, its also sick. She may be telling YOU her reasons for doing it are to protect him etc but what is she telling herself?

    I agree, she needs therapy and to be honest to herself as to why she believes this.

    Lying never offers true protection. She might say it now but in a few years time, is she going to lie to the child as well?

    I feel there are other issues at hand here and they need to be dealt with.

    All the best!

  6. It sounds to me like she desperately wanted to give birth, and now has every opportunity to “pretend” that she did. What you describe is a “red flag” and unfortunately, if it goes further, she may* eventually begin almost believing it herself. Dissociating such that this *may* become a “reality” for her.

    I wonder if she will similarly try to “protect” him later from the “pain” finding out he was adopted?

    I would also question whether she is somehow ashamed about not giving birth — not being fertile can be a huge blow to a woman’s ego and self-image as being a woman.

    This is a long shot, but I would also question if she is ever really going to be satisfied with having adopted and not having a child of her own. Is it still possible for this to happen, for her to conceive?

    What about if she is encouraged to give a talk at your church to dispel the myths about foster care? That way, she can ‘come out’ and speak up about the myths that she sees to be scared of, that she feels she’s “protecting” the child against.

    I think both of you should speak in private about this situation to your minister, ASAP.

  7. Well, it is wrong. BUT, since when is your life an open book just because you go to church. It really isn’t anyone’s business.
    People sometimes look down on women because they are infertile. It is stupid, but it happens. EVEN wonderful, well-meaning Christians sometimes feel that way. If someone told me, “It just wasn’t God’s plan for you to have a baby.” I’d probably get kicked out of the Church for my reply.
    I think you should go to a different church.
    I’d just let it ride. Soon, this won’t even matter.

    ETA: Whether you can conceive or not, there are people who will assume and judge her and him. Once he is old enough to understand he was adopted and what that is, let HIM decide who to tell. I see this the same way I see personal medical information – for ME to decide who to tell and when.
    When your son is old enough to decide things for himself, THEN you can walk around as an open book.
    I’m not saying you should HIDE anything, but it just isn’t anyone business but your his and yours.
    What you say and do in your home on a daily basis doesn’t have to be on a billboard on your forehead.

    I completely agree with Kim.

  8. Oh, my. What a predicament you are in.

    Honestly, if she thinks adoption is so shameful that it must be hidden, perhaps you shouldn’t go through with the adoption. How will your son feel when he realizes that his mother is ashamed of him being adopted or being in foster care?

    As far as correcting them, Do they actually say “Oh, I see you gave birth.” I don’t see any real point in pointing out to everyone that passes that he is/will be adopted. As far as the foster care situation, is that relevant? Do you feel she should tell everyone she sees that he is in foster care?

    If people refer to him as your son, there is no need to explain to everyone that he is from foster care or that he is being adopted. However, if they ask questions like “How long were you in labor?”, she should certainly say that he is being adopted. I still don’t think the foster care situation is important.

    Since we are talking about church, maybe you should point out to her that she is lying!!! Most churches (and the Bible) frown upon that.

  9. Our son is foster/adopt and I don’t see the point in explaining it to everyone I meet. If they ask, I don’t lie. But he’s our son. Point blank. I didn’t give birth to him, but the day we finalize, he will be legally just as much my child as he would be had I given birth to him. It’s HIS story to tell. When he’s old enough to understand, he’ll know. He’ll probably meet his birth mom at some point. He’s met her parents and her sister. She wants to be mommy. let her be.

  10. “What about if she is encouraged to give a talk at your church to dispel the myths about foster care? That way, she can ‘come out’ and speak up about the myths that she sees to be scared of, that she feels she’s “protecting” the child against.”

    As a mom via foster care, I think this is fantastic advice.

    I am going to give your wife the benefit of the doubt and assume she is being genuine when she says that she is not correcting her congregation because she fears their judgement regarding her son. If that is the truth, then I can sympathsize. I can even understand it. My son is the most beautiful, most lovable 2 year old, but none of those things seemed to matter to some. I have been asked if I am afraid he will kill us in our sleep. I’ve been asked if he hurts my cats. No, he’s just a regular 2 year old thanks!! Kids who come from foster care have a terrible stigma attached to them through no fault of their own. To ignorant people they are “damaged goods” with “bad blood.”

    But I never claimed I gave birth to him and never would. Regardless of her intentions, it is a lie. So while I understand your wife’s motherly instincts to protect her son, she also needs to know that she is doing him a great disservice. If he finds out that his mother lied about this fact simply because she was afraid of the stigma than he will personify that stigma as his own. That he is to blame. That he is unworthy, He will end up feeling the very feelings she fought so hard to assuage. And this time, she will be the perpetrator.

    I encourage her to tell the truth. Once people actually met my son, I received comments like “he seems so normal”, so yes, while they were annoying, once they could see that he was just a kid, well, I have never heard a peep about his “bad blood” again.

    Foster care is just a construct to people. It’s faceless. Once they can put a face and a personality to it, it will hopefully change people’s perceptions. And if it can’t, well, I don’t think that’s a church that’s worthy of your family.

    Good luck!!!

  11. What is she going to tell her church buddies if the adoption does not go through…that she gave him up for adoption?

    Lies only beget more lies. What are you going to tell the kid if the adoption does go through: don’t tell the people at church that you’re adopted?! If adopting is supposed to be all about the benefit to the child, doesn’t she see that this lie will only make the child realize that adoption is shameful and something to be hidden.

    This is a perfect example of the discrimination and double standards that adoptees suffer.

  12. This might be a time for you two to step into some counseling. Your wife may be deceiving others, but she may also be playing make believe with herself. Maybe she likes the strokes she gets when people say how cute he is and ask who he resembles. Maybe she was alright with adopting on paper but the experience isn’t what she thought and she doesn’t feel like a “real Mom” except when she’s play acting. The excuse she gave sounds very weak and I think she may need help adjusting.
    Try not to judge her too harshly, but maybe tell her taking on a little one is a whole new experience and you’d like her to go with you to talk to someone about the adjustments you guys have to make. Then it won’t be too intimidating.

  13. I agree with Sunny.
    This is all so damaging for the child.
    All of it.
    Adoptees do not fall from the sky. And do not get born again to the adoptive parents – just because there are those that wish it were that way.
    Adoptees come with a whole history before they are adopted.
    That needs to be honoured – from day 1.
    Anything less is psychologically damaging to the child.
    Pretending implies that his genetic roots aren’t good enough.
    Adoptees already feel rejected – their mothers gave them away.
    With this behaviour – this adoptee will feel even more ‘wrong’.
    Your wife needs help – seriously.
    Don’t let her troubles mess up this poor child.
    (start saving for the therapy now)

  14. i cant conceive nor carry but i think the reason she is doing it is so people dont always say to new people who come to the church oh he is a foster child kinda so he doesnt always hear it the reason she doesnt do it to your family and friends is because they will not say he is a foster child i think she is just trying to protect him and mayb feel like he is really hers but it is wrong should she have done it know but i think she had reasoning behind it try to think about it in that way and see if you understand

  15. Tell her that by acting as though she is his natural mother, she is denying him his own identity and acceptance.
    She is telling him that he isn’t ‘as good’ as a child born to her.

    It’s wrong, cruel and a blatant lie. If she truly cares for your son she needs to acknowledge, accept and embrace his whole identity.

  16. I completely see your point but at the same time I think its kinda a good thing that shes been acting that way.(as if he were her own). If I were adopted I think I would like my mother to see me as her own child instead of her own child who was adopted. I also dont think that its important for others to know if the child is naturally realted or adopted.

  17. Boy, I’m bracing myself for the thumbs down on this one, but I think I’d need more info before I condemn her completely. Exactly what is she saying to these people at church? Is she flat-out lying or is she just not laying all the cards on the table? (You said they’re assuming, and she’s not correcting them.)

    Is it?:
    Church member: “Oh, Sally. I didn’t know you had a baby! He’s so cute.”
    Your wife: “Thank you. This is little Bobby. He’s 3 months old.”

    Or is it?:
    Church Member: “Sally, your son is so adorable. I didn’t even know you were pregnant.”
    Your wife: “Oh yes — months and months of morning sickness. It was awful, but it was all worth it for little Bobby!”

    Because if she’s out and out lying about the adoption or telling people she gave birth to him then, obviously, that’s wrong. Plain and simple. However, as an adoptive parent, it took me a while to realize that I didn’t have to blab to everyone who commented on my son that he was adopted. You know, not lie, but not throw out all the information as soon as you’re asked a simple question or receive a simple comment. I leaned the opposite way, probably too much.

    But I do think there’s a difference between “lying” and “not giving all the details” to essential strangers.

  18. Your wife is wrong.

    This is not her biological son. This is her adopted son. Yes, this is her son and she will raise him and love him no matter what, but she needs to be truthful. You two are adopting him out of foster care. That doesn’t mean you love him any less.

    If your wife doesn’t fess up, maybe you should. But don’t say “Oh he’s adopted.” Say, “Could you please pray that we have a smooth adoption process?” or “Please pray for his birth mother as she heals over the scars of giving him up.” That shows that you adopted him and your calmly telling people.

    Also talk to your wife. If she brings up that guy, tell her that this is different. This is your son.

    I wish you both the best of luck.

    God bless!

  19. Your right, this is wrong. Who cares what everyone else at church thinks, its what the child is going to think when he gets older. It could really screw him up. He may possibly think she is embaressed of him being adopted.

    Either way, she should be honest for the sake of the child.

    Thank you for being honest and caring!!!

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