Ever notice how some PAP’s and AP’s try to infantilize adoptees?

Question by Sunny: Ever notice how some PAP’s and AP’s try to infantilize adoptees?
They talk down to us, use our names repeatedly in answers, and use a scolding tone as if we are unaware of our *place* in society.

These same folks often get very ruffled feathers unless they are treated with “respect” (don’t tell me the truth, or at least sugarcoat it for me) and “kindness” (acknowledge that I am a *different* kind of AP and my child will not turn out like you!).

Will adoptees who speak out against most adoption always be marginalized?
Tara, I need yoga? Yoga is truth, hon. But thanks for the attempt at an insult…yawn.
cath: Yes, adoption IS “patronizing”. But you got you *dig* in, reported–“not answering the question, insulting to asker. Next?
@Teen Helper/Rosie: Don’t need your respect, just use your manners. 😉

Best answer:

Answer by Tara
Sunny… you need Yoga. Seriously.

No, I don’t see this at all.

Add your own answer in the comments!

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7 thoughts on “Ever notice how some PAP’s and AP’s try to infantilize adoptees?”

  1. Some. But its the same as the people who belittle me or deny me my feelings or my experience because my personal experience with adoption is positive. I must be in denial or lying. I hate that. Everyone’s experiences in this triad are different-every single person is going to have a different life, good or bad. No one should be targeted (unless they are the trolls out to just piss everyone off and YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE).

  2. “Ever notice how some PAP’s and AP’s try to infantilize adoptees?” Yes.

    “Will adoptees who speak out against most adoption always be marginalized?” I hope not. My avenue attempts to promote adoptees to speak of their experiences – even if that means that first mothers have to be shaken by the consequences of their actions/non actions.

  3. not only do SOME adoptive parents or potential adoptive parents infantilize adoptees (“adopted children”), they take ownership over first mothers (“OUR birthmother!”)

    one would think that adoptees never age, and firstmothers were paid to breed.

    and in both scenarios, the savior adoptive parent…ooops, “parent” (gotta keep up with my positive adoption language) is absolved from any wrong doing.

    here’s some examples:

    move to adoption friendly states: years of dealing with infertility, desperate for a baby, fear of “failed adoption.”

    abuse an adoptee: scammed to believe the child was “healthy”

    adverse bonding experience: RAD or FAS or something OTHER than anything they’d done

    changing names: makes it easier for the child to assimilate

    closing adoptions: family needed to move on and bond without the confusion (and intrusion) of the “birther.”

    i can go on…

    the fact, is that on MOST ADOPTION/TTC boards, aparents are shoveled sh! t about how it’s cool to hate pregnant women, be jealous of pregnant women, fight for other’s children, lie, cheat and “slick” their way to get a kid. in addition, there is almost a cult-like following of drones who actually sanction being angry when someone decides to parent their own child!! it’s almost as if it’s perfectly fine to hate others, treat their pregnant friends like crap, all because they are infertile. yet everyone else needs to soft-shoe around them, least they offend.


    and on most boards, this behavior is SANCTIONED–because…someone is infertile???. give me a fcuking break!

    and most of this behavior i’m sure is transferred onto firstmothers and adoptees after adoption.

    i’m sure this post will be deleted but here it goes:

    dear (SOME) adoptive parents:

    INFERTILITY IS NOT A TERMINAL ILLNESS; and adoption is a privilege given to you by another woman (in a bad spot); or because a child needs a home. you are NOT a savior, immortal nor celestial (despite how many times you use “lord, God, christian” in your conversations). you are human. and like other humans, fallible to bad judgment. and although some first parents are abusive and neglectful, so are some adoptive parents, conniving, manipulative and condescending.

    i have watched on here how the voices of adoptees are marginalized and silenced. and it’s infuriating.

    being infertile or an adoptive parent, does not give one the right to act an as$ , and whine about respect, while simultaneously SYSTEMATICALLY disrespecting others.

  4. Sunny…from going thru the answers and from what I have seen…it is a two street. PAP’s and AP’s are also singled out. Everyone has their own beliefs, and one persons beliefs should not be forced upon another..it happens on both sides. Because adoption is a very delicate and emotional subject, I think answers are taken personally. I myself have been accused of saying things I have never said. Everyone should just read the answers and learn from others experiences…good and bad, and go from there. I myself am guilty of some disrepectful replies, but have felt prompted by some of the scoldings and disrespecful comments that have been made to me. In this particular category of adoption, there is no right or wrong answers…the answers are all based on personal experiences that everyone has had…good or bad..which both exist. And those responses need to be respected…not judged. This category has turned into a cat fight of who is right and who is wrong.

  5. First of all, let me just say that I am standing, applauding Tish’s answer!!! A thumbs up on this is not just one thumb, it is a standing ovation!!

    In answer to the question, yes, and the sealed birth certificates and the issuance of an amended one in its place is a perfect example. In many states, including MO, if an adult adoptee wants their birth certificate, they STILL HAVE TO HAVE THEIR ADOPTER’S PERMISSION even into their 40’s, 50’s and beyond.

  6. Oh yeah, imagine, someone wanting to be treated with the same respect that you’re demanding for yourself!

    The nerve of some people!

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